@MatCro

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

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@shopkins776

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

@LackOfShame

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

@dksc4life

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

@whatsJo

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

@Love_bug1016

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

@iNusku

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

@DannyZuker

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.