ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché