me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Meeeee too!
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
All. The. Damn. Time.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.