Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
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A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Watson was Holmes schooled
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”