@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

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@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@Severnjaca

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

@Matt_The_1st

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

@Picapau316

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

@iwearaonesie

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

@PLATINUM2000

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.