Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.


Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”


If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?


I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.


Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago


I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.


[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No


Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.