@TheAlexNevil Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
You Might Also Like
@TheAlexNevil 
@longwall26 We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
@ColoradoCrow Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
@AngelaEhh If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
@Severnjaca I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
@Matt_The_1st Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
@Picapau316 I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
@iwearaonesie [laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
@CornOnTheGoblin [commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
@PLATINUM2000 Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.