Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
WHO DID THIS?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”