Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.