Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
j o i m p
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.