Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
#parenting
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
i- i did not expect this
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
#CoronaOutbreak
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.