me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
The biggest mystery of our time
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires