ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed