Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
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if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.