Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s