Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.