ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
The Weeknd is back
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.