Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]