ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds