Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]