me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
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Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
? 💀
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Seems a bit forward
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.