Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
How do you milk an almond?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.