Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.