Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious