ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
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People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg