Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.