Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford