Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.