ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Have kids, they said
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part