Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”