ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.