Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

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Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases


Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie


Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”


I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.


I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.


Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.


I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.


T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first


Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going