Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
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My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
New mindset, who dis?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
spot the difference
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Dance like you’re not the father
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
When I laugh on my period
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.