Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
That 👊
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh