me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Hot hot hot 🥵
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I drew y’all a little something.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I’m sure it’s fine.