Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day