ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
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somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
operators are standing by to ignore your call
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.