ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
getting corrected
no their not
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
True
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast