me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Fluff me with a fork baby
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Your honor these allegations are
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying