*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
True freaking story!
That’s not how days work.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Still a very good boi….
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves