Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Holy shit he’s back
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.