Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.