[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

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Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “


dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]


You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying


The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks


*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*




What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously


Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day


Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?


I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.


Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one