Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Why are bridges so flammable.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.