Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
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I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*