Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Saw your ex at the shops

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries