Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
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[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
🚲+physics = winner
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.