ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*exercises sarcastically*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Oh. My. God.