me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
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… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL