[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
You Might Also Like
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?