Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
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Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
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[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
yeet
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool