Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Livid.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.