Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
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TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
<—- homeless romantic
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”