Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
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This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
me after eating Cheetos
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die